Yeah, I did cry.
I don’t usually cry. But when I do, I mean it.
Semua ini sebenarnya merujuk peristiwa pertama di Bagian 1. Seperti yang saya bilang sebelumnya, ini cerita lama dan nggak etis untuk dibahas lagi, tapi ini adalah salah satu bagian dari warna-warni hidup yang bikin saya mikir keras, jadi hal ini layak untuk dibahas kembali.
Pakai English pas-pasan aja, ya, karena sensitif.
Begini, saya bukan orang yang gampang nangis, apalagi di depan orang-orang yang nggak dekat dengan saya. No matter how sad my life/condition is, I can’t express it for you, common people. Don’t expect me to go, *sobs*-I’m-so-sad-*sobs*-please-understand-my-problem-*sobs*; no, I can not. I’m a living stone if we’re not best friends.
Still discussing the event mentioned before, from seven people, I was the only one not crying. I’m not judging, by the way, I’m only analyzing. They cried easily that I envied them. I wanted to cry, too. I wanted to express how sad I was just like them. But in fact, I couldn’t.
The worst part is people who are emotionally expressive and cry easily tend to get more sympathy than a person like me. I know I may be assuming, but I saw it and this happens a lot, including the moment when I was kicked outta the group.
Well, friends… I didn’t give myself a chance to question, and those questions just popped outta nowhere. Despite the fact that I respect (most of) you, my inner self is still questioning. Why did you kick me out? Just because I didn’t show my tears, does it mean I’m that tough you thought I could live with that? Well, you don’t know me, or yourself, or your chosen partner(s). You didn’t know I was able to cry until the vote, did you? Until you found me slumped downstairs, getting upset and all confused, screwing up, thinking about my parents just like you always do, and hopelessly crying like you did upstairs.
I finally cried, just like you did. It was too late, though. I was upset, disappointed, mad, furious, drowned in my own anger yet confused myself. “Should I get upset? Most of you are my friends after all.” I ended up disappointed, erasing the biggest source of my wrath and promised myself not to give a damn about it, ever again.
That’s it. That brings me to a conclusion that tears are cheap. Most of us use them to defend ourselves, to show how weak we are, how hopeless we are.
Not everyone uses tears as such weapons, but there’s no guarantee that: that person begging you with tears is honest.
*shrugs* *flies away*